Dawn French

I am not, I repeat, NOT a lesbian – even though I’d like to be one when I grow up.

I never do any television without chocolate. That’s my motto and I live by it. Quite often I write the scripts and I make sure there are chocolate scenes. Actually I’m a bit of a chocolate tart and will eat anything. It’s amazing I’m so slim.

In actual life I am a grumpy old bag.

It was fantastic to work in Cornwall partly because my family live there so I was able to do lots of visiting and eat lots of cake. They live all over Cornwall and all over Devon.

I want to do something where I play Judi Dench’s younger sister or daughter.

If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush.

I’d like to play a horse, many people think I already have. Either end of the horse would be fine.

The person I have admired the most in comedy terms would be Eric Morecambe, who is my total hero.

We have to do a film parody for Comic Relief. We can’t decide which film to parody at the moment. Any ideas welcome, but not Spiderman owing to costume being too tight.

I have had the unfortunate experience of having someone write an unauthorised biography of me. Half of it is lies and the other half is badly written. My feeling is that if I’m going to write my life story, I ought to have my life first.

I keep my own personality in a cupboard under the stairs at home so that no one else can see it or nick it.

It was my father who taught me to value myself. He told me that I was uncommonly beautiful and that I was the most precious thing in his life.

Turn up your radio. Watch lots of telly and eat loads of choc. Feel guilty. Stay up all night. Learn everything in six hours that has taken you two years to compile. That’s how I did it.