Joan Rivers

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I don’t excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn’t make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

It’s so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up who.

Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

Never floss with a stranger.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God’s gift, that’s why we call it the present.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.