Lily Tomlin

No matter how cynical you become, it’s never enough to keep up.

Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest – then we can all die laughing.

The best mind-altering drug is the truth.

If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you’re not considered well viewed.

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.

What is reality, anyway? Just a collective hunch.

Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination.

We’re all in this alone.

The problem with winning the rat race is you’re still a rat.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?

If I had known what it would be like to have it all – I might have been willing to settle for less.

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

There’s so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.

For fast-acting relief try slowing down.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.

Remember we’re all in this alone.

What if it’s boring – or if it’s not boring, it might be too revealing, or worse, it might be too revealing and still be boring.

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

The road to success is always under construction.

I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.

We don’t care. We don’t have to. We’re the phone company.

I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

We are all in this together, by ourselves.

It’s my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.