Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.

For fast-acting relief try slowing down.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.

I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

If I had known what it would be like to have it all – I might have been willing to settle for less.

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you’re not considered well viewed.

Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest – then we can all die laughing.

It’s my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.

No matter how cynical you become, it’s never enough to keep up.

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

Remember we’re all in this alone.

Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination.

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

The best mind-altering drug is the truth.

The problem with winning the rat race is you’re still a rat.

The road to success is always under construction.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

There’s so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

We are all in this together, by ourselves.

We don’t care. We don’t have to. We’re the phone company.

We’re all in this alone.

What if it’s boring – or if it’s not boring, it might be too revealing, or worse, it might be too revealing and still be boring.

What is reality, anyway? Just a collective hunch.

Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?

Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?