Ryan Stiles

If I were a man with gills, I would be a fish!

I’m going to buy some green bananas because by the time I get home they’ll be ripe.

I’d rather drive the yellow brick road, you wouldn’t happen to know of a rental car place around.

I’m Jim Phillips, I have multiple personalities. I’m also a skindiver, a puppeteer, and I was the tenth president of the United States.

The first rule to living in America is ‘Stop tap dancing, you fool!’.

If I were as much of a man as my woman, I’d be my wife.

When it comes to making love, I may not be the best, but I’m damn gouda.

You know, I’ve got a confession to make myself. I’m not really a priest, I’ve just got my shirt on backwards.

If I were like your mother, I would be a woman.

Never interrupt me when I’m eating a banana.

What do I do when we’re not taping? Sit in a dark room and refine my plans for someday ruling Earth from a blimp. And chess.

If I were but a man who would be tall, I would be me.

I can’t sprinkle sprinkles on. I lose control when I have sprinkles. I’m shaky. I still remember the great sprinkle accident of 1982.

I look like Walt Disney just threw up.

The sky, the sky beyond the door is blue.

If I could rap, that would be a sensation, but I can’t, you see, I’m just a Caucasian.

That is raw dough. Never eat raw dough. They can make worms in your tummy. Worms in your tummy.

Back off or the lizard gets it!

Never trust sheep.