Steven Wright

I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.

I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,” but I don’t have that much time.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

How young can you die of old age?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… you can’t hear him talk.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’

I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said “No, I made a few mistakes.”

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”

What a nice night for an evening.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

So, do you live around here often?

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.