You can’t make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you’re doing is recording it.

Whether it’s the best of times or the worst of times, it’s the only time we’ve got.

Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven’t been taxed before.

This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday… I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn’t let me – Homeland Security.

I worship the quicksand he walks in.

The buffalo isn’t as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.

I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

You can’t make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you’re doing is recording it.

The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?

So far things are going my way. I am known in the hospice as The Man Who Wouldn’t Die. I don’t know if this is true or not, but I think some people, not many, are starting to wonder why I’m still around.