God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die.

I thought my life would seem more interesting with a musical score and a laugh track.

It’s surprising how hard we’ll work when the work is done just for ourselves.

Heck, what’s a little extortion among friends?

I know the world isn’t fair, but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favor?

If you can’t control your peanut butter, you can’t expect to control your life.

The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!

I’m not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Things are never quite as scary when you’ve got a best friend.

Shutting off the thought process is not rejuvenating; the mind is like a car battery – it recharges by running.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can play together all night.

From now on, I’ll connect the dots my own way.

A real job is a job you hate.

It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.

If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I’ll bet they’d live a lot differently.

Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

So, what’s it like in the real world? Well, the food is better, but beyond that, I don’t recommend it.

It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what’s cool.

I’ve got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.

God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die.

We all have different desires and needs, but if we don’t discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.

Sometimes when I’m talking, my words can’t keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.

If your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.

Letting your mind play is the best way to solve problems.

I liked things better when I didn’t understand them.

That’s the whole problem with science. You’ve got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder.

We don’t devote enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

I won’t eat any cereal that doesn’t turn the milk purple.

Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.

Mothers are the necessity of invention.

The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone’s expectations.

Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.

Know what’s weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything’s different.

Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.

The world of a comic strip ought to be a special place with its own logic and life… I don’t want the issue of Hobbes’s reality settled by a doll manufacturer.

There is not enough time to do all the nothing we want to do.

Genius is never understood in its own time.

Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

Reality continues to ruin my life.

When birds burp, it must taste like bugs.

Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made.