My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

I’m a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world’s a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they’re delightful. They all want so little.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.

The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.

I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey… Doesn’t try it on.

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.

I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God, but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.