My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever.

As a kid I watched television 24 hours a day and loved every minute of it. The two shows that always make me laugh and are therefore my favourites are The Dick Van Dyke Show and Fawlty Towers.

Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries.

You know, in the 1970’s, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school.

We’ll be back to our nature documentary, ‘Baggy the Anorexic Elephant’ in just a second.

I am such a pessimist that every project has surpassed what I envisioned.

My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever.

Give me liberty or give me a bran muffin!

Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine!

And if that isn’t the truth, it would be a lie.

To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that’s why I just make up crap.

Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises.

There’s many times this year I’ve sat back and thought, I’m making a living from making things up. It’s the only skill I have so I’ve been really lucky.

Hey, Ryan, if Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung?

I think the challenge is going out in front of a paying audience with absolutely nothing and trying to entertain them for two hours. Thankfully, I only think about that right before we go on, and then once we’re out there, everything’s fine.

There are so many things I’d like to change in the industry. Everything from the reliance of style over substance to their reluctance to hire me for big budget blockbusters, but the thing I would love most would be if they understood people don’t have to be Hollywood beautiful to be sexy or interesting.

We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out.

When I’m on stage, it’s a little world I’ve created where I’m sort of the thing, so I have total control over everything that happens. When we’re improvising, I’m with someone I totally trust. I know things are going to work out. I don’t have those guarantees in life. There are no consequences on stage.

Onstage I do all the stuff I’d never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I’ve ever had.

I’m handsome, no ands, buts or ifs.

The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs.

I have many favorite artists… Van Gogh as one, but he didn’t really sing a lot!

Give me liberty or a bran muffin!

My god! It’s a hamster with explosives taped around it’s waist!

The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge.

I’m a traveling practical joker. That’s my line of work.

This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3.

We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh… We’ll do whatever it takes.

Many people think it’s in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum… but come on down. We’re going crazy.

Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod?

I do enjoy working with Ryan although he owes me money.