It is a good thing that life is not as serious as it seems to a waiter.

Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it.

Poverty must have many satisfactions, else there would not be so many poor people.

Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.

The beggar is the only person in the universe not obliged to study appearance.

Golf may be a hussy, but I love her.

There’s one thing about baldness, it’s neat.

It takes a lot of things to prove you are smart, but only one thing to prove you are ignorant.

If I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I’d have fewer imaginary ones.

There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe.

Don’t ever slam a door, you might want to go back.

The brighter you are, the more you have to learn.

It is a good thing that life is not as serious as it seems to a waiter.

There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have.

A humorist is a person who feels bad, but who feels good about it.

Why resist temptation? There will always be more.