Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three – and paradise is when you have none.

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.

The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they snub contentment.

Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d have preferred to talk.

There must be a happy medium somewhere between being totally informed and blissfully unaware.

A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.

Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three – and paradise is when you have none.

Real elation is when you feel you could touch a star without standing on tiptoe.

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.

The reason people blame things on previous generations is that there’s only one other choice.

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it.

For disappearing acts, it’s hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work.

Some of the world’s greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.

The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.

Establishing goals is all right if you don’t let them deprive you of interesting detours.

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.

To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.

Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush.

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself.

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.

A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.

Sometimes opportunity knocks, but most of the time it sneaks up and then quietly steals away.

Nostalgia is a file that removes the rough edges from the good old days.

There are few things more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.

The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.