There’s no way I can justify my salary level, but I’m learning to live with it.

I’m competitive at everything.

I don’t miss the economic insecurity, the living paycheck to paycheck.

The first Monopoly game I played with my brothers, I hated losing so much, I just had to beat them.

Everybody in Hollywood loves symbolic gestures.

Hollywood people are filled with guilt: white guilt, liberal guilt, money guilt. They feel bad that they’re so rich, they feel they don’t work that much for all that money – and they don’t, for the amount of money they make.

When I play poker, I don’t like losing the pot.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there’s always some trouble – you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.

I’m not against ratings per se. I think more information is always good. But I certainly don’t think the government has to step in and set guidelines for how shows should be rated.

There’s no way I can justify my salary level, but I’m learning to live with it.

We’ll never see national shows with 45 shares again.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

When the show’s in production, we work for three weeks at a time and then take a week off.

Like I said, all comedy is based on exaggeration, big or small, whatever you can get away with.

People laugh to forget their troubles, and to forget their troubles they like to look at people who aren’t doing better than they are.

Nothing’s funny about someone who’s successful.

I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian.

I love the normalcy of Cleveland. There’s regular people there.

Some people don’t like competition because it makes them work harder, better.

I see my face in the mirror and go, ‘I’m a Halloween costume? That’s what they think of me?

I don’t care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.

But I don’t want to lose touch with things like eating in Bob’s Big Boy.

As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it’s a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

Vegas is everything that’s right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They’ve effectively legalized everything there.

That’s the great thing about having your friends around you. I’ve known these guys forever. I really enjoy their company just as people. You couldn’t ask for a better work environment.

Nevada’s one of the most conservative states in the Union, but you can do what you want in Vegas and nobody judges you.

What also helps our show is that we never take ourselves seriously.