If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.

A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you’ve been taking.

Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break.

He was so honest you could play craps with him over the phone.

One way to get high blood pressure is to go mountain climbing over molehills.

Today’s accent may be on youth, but the stress is still on the parents.

Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.

For the parents of a Little Leaguer, a baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown into innings.

Poise: the ability to be ill at ease inconspicuously.

Ever notice that the whisper of temptation can be heard farther than the loudest call to duty.

A woman may race to get a man a gift but it always ends in a tie.

Nothing is as embarrassing as watching your boss do something you assured him couldn’t be done.

Benjamin Franklin may have discovered electricity, but it was the man who invented the meter who made the money.

You may not be able to read a doctor’s handwriting and prescription, but you’ll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.

The man who didn’t want his wife to work has been succeeded by the man who asks about her chances of getting a raise.

Isn’t it a shame that future generations can’t be here to see all the wonderful things we’re doing with their money?

Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don’t.

Experience is what enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen.

The fastest way for a politician to become an elder statesman is to lose an election.

Always remember, money isn’t everything – but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.

If you wouldn’t write it and sign it, don’t say it.

Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death.

Nonchalance is the ability to remain down to earth when everything else is up in the air.

This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt.

Middle Age – later than you think and sooner than you expect.

Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.

To sell something, tell a woman it’s a bargain; tell a man it’s deductible.

Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

He’s an honest man – you could shoot craps with him over the telephone.