Funny is an attitude.

I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don’t want it.

It’s later than it’s ever been.

Before you can hit the jackpot, you have to put a coin in the machine.

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don’t get sick you’re missing half the fun.

The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.

My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don’t want to talk about my private self. Why should I?

When you’re hot, you’re hot; when you’re not, you’re not.

Violence is a tool of the ignorant.

The devil made me do it.

Don’t order one for the road, because the road is already laid out.

I think Mr. Wilson will have to be the rest of the way alone.

You can’t expect to hit the jackpot if you don’t put a few nickels in the machine.

It would be ridiculous for me to say anything negative regarding blacks having an equal opportunity on TV.

Funny is an attitude.