The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn’t hear the barbarians coming.

God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny.

Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.

A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table – There’s nothing wrong with them, but it’s hard to stop thinking about it.

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

Sometimes you have to look reality in the eye, and deny it.

Lake Wobegon, the little town that time forgot and the decades cannot improve.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

Vodka is tasteless going down, but it is memorable coming up.

The funniest line in English is “Get it?” When you say that, everyone chortles.

A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it’s time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.

I want to resume the life of a shy person.

Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.

A book is a gift you can open again and again.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.

A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.

I’m not busy… a woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn’t think my schedule looked so busy.

I think the most un-American thing you can say is, ‘You can’t say that.’

Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.

It’s a shallow life that doesn’t give a person a few scars.