It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

This is the sixth book I’ve written, which isn’t bad for a guy who’s only read two.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.

How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.

You’ve got to be honest; if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

It’s good to be here. At 98, it’s good to be anywhere.

The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

It’s hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

I can’t afford to die; I’d lose too much money.

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

I don’t believe in dying. It’s been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now – I’m booked.

You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

How can I die? I’m booked.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

I’d rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

At my age flowers scare me.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

I look to the future because that’s where I’m going to spend the rest of my life.

Look to the future, because that is where you’ll spend the rest of your life.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.