I have yet to find a man worth his salt in any direction who did not think of himself first and foremost.

So long as there is one pretty girl left on the stage, the professional undertakers may hold up their burial of the theater.

Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man.

What passes for woman’s intuition is often nothing more than man’s transparency.

No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.

A man’s wife is his compromise with the illusion of his first sweetheart.

Criticism is the art of appraising others at one’s own value.

Women, as they grow older, rely more and more on cosmetics. Men, as they grow older, rely more and more on a sense of humor.

A life spent in constant labor is a life wasted, save a man be such a fool as to regard a fulsome obituary notice as ample reward.

Politics is the diversion of trivial men who, when they succeed at it, become important in the eyes of more trivial men.

A man admires a woman not for what she says, but what she listens to.

Patriotism is often an arbitrary veneration of real estate above principles.

Beauty makes idiots sad and wise men merry.

The path of sound credence is through the thick forest of skepticism.

It is only the cynicism that is born of success that is penetrating and valid.

Love demands infinitely less than friendship.

A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.

Criticism is the windows and chandeliers of art: it illuminates the enveloping darkness in which art might otherwise rest only vaguely discernible, and perhaps altogether unseen.

I drink to make other people interesting.

Bad officials are the ones elected by good citizens who do not vote.

To speak of morals in art is to speak of legislature in sex. Art is the sex of the imagination.

An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.

I know many married men, I even know a few happily married men, but I don’t know one who wouldn’t fall down the first open coal hole running after the first pretty girl who gave him a wink.

An actor without a playwright is like a hole without a doughnut.

Love is an emotion experienced by the many and enjoyed by the few.

The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.

I have yet to find a man worth his salt in any direction who did not think of himself first and foremost.

It is also said of me that I now and then contradict myself. Yes, I improve wonderfully as time goes on.

Great art is as irrational as great music. It is mad with its own loveliness.

Common sense, in so far as it exists, is all for the bourgeoisie. Nonsense is the privilege of the aristocracy. The worries of the world are for the common people.

Whenever a man encounters a woman in a mood he doesn’t understand, he wants to know if she’s tired.