Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Take my wife… Please!

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.