What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
About Henny Youngman
Henry “Henny” Youngmanwas a British-born American comedian and musician famous for his mastery of the “one-liner”, his best known being “Take my wife… please”.
More quotes from Henny Youngman
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
Take my wife… Please!
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
American comedian and actor (1906-1998)