I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don’t worry it’s not the end of the world.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride… it’s not much but at least I have my pride.

You know what burns me? Matches.

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

I model irregular clothing.

Do you know it was a year a ago today?

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can’t say cheese.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist – she did everybody.

I’m convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb – they diffused it.

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

Does anybody know what I’m doing up here?

I don’t need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I’m on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

I wanted to join the Army the sign said ‘Be All That You Can Be’, they told me it wasn’t enough.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don’t worry it’s not the end of the world.

People read me but they don’t subscribe.

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.

A guy gave me a job at an information booth – no questions asked.

I went to a urologist – he told me I could go at any time.

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I’m watching the highlights.

I saw a stationery store move.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I’m more concerned about the adults.

I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

I was born nine months premature.