Even though a number of people have tried, no one has ever found a way to drink for a living.

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.

A man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself – like, for instance, he can’t find any clean socks.

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.

I think success has no rules, but you can learn a great deal from failure.

I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me that they are wonderful things for other people to go on.

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.

The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.

Man is the only animal that learns by being hypocritical. He pretends to be polite and then, eventually, he becomes polite.

Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.

Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?

One of the most difficult things to contend with in a hospital is that assumption on the part of the staff that because you have lost your gall bladder you have also lost your mind.

Some people have such a talent for making the best of a bad situation that they go around creating bad situations so they can make the best of them.

When the grandmothers of today hear the word “Chippendales,” they don’t necessary think of chairs.

Now the thing about having a baby – and I can’t be the first person to have noticed this – is that thereafter you have it.

A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table.

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speak by something outside himself like, for instance, he can’t find any clean socks.

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it’s just possible you haven’t grasped the situation.

I make mistakes; I’ll be the second to admit it.

You don’t seem to realize that a poor person who is unhappy is in a better position than a rich person who is unhappy. Because the poor person has hope. He thinks money would help.

I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being skin deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

Even though a number of people have tried, no one has ever found a way to drink for a living.