The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here – they are here to replace us.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving.

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’

The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.