Show me a friend in need and I’ll show you a pest.

I would take a bomb, but I can’t stand the noise.

I’ve been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.

I don’t drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I drink to forget I drink.

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum.

You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.

They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I’m thirsty, not dirty.

We can afford almost any mistake once.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

It doesn’t matter whether you are rich or poor – as long as you’ve got money.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

There’s only one thing money won’t buy, and that is poverty.

Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.

I’m still chasing girls. I don’t remember what for, but I’m still chasing them.

You only live once – but if you work it right, once is enough.

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants on.

Show me a friend in need and I’ll show you a pest.

I don’t like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.

I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.

It pays to get drunk with the best people.

If you want to make a dangerous man your friend, let him do you a favor.

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.