The good die young, because they see it’s no use living if you have got to be good.

My wife is the kind of girl who will not go anywhere without her mother, and her mother will go anywhere.

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn’t know you left open.

In Genesis, it says that it is not good for a man to be alone; but sometimes it is a great relief.

The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.

The good die young, because they see it’s no use living if you have got to be good.

Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

If it isn’t the sheriff, it’s the finance company; I’ve got more attachments on me than a vacuum cleaner.

I am thinking of taking a fifth wife. Why not? Solomon had a thousand wives and he is a synonym for wisdom.

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.

You can’t drown yourself in drink. I’ve tried, you float.

My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments.

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

You can only be as good as you dare to be bad.

Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.

A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.

When archaeologists discover the missing arms of Venus de Milo, they will find she was wearing boxing gloves.

I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning.

I’ve read some of your modern free verse and wonder who set it free.

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?