With stand-up you’ve just got that one chance. Audiences can be quite fickle.

I trained to be a priest – started to. I went to seminary school when I was 11. I wanted to be a priest, but when they told me I could never have sex, not even on my birthday, I changed my mind.

I’ve got too much respect for stand-ups to call myself one.

You can sway an audience if you win the women over. The gentlemen will follow ’cause they can be so foolish like that at times, they are easily led.

They look outside the windows of their apartment in town and realize they’re not living in a terrace anymore. This is a room full of dreamers who like to go to London for a day.

My forte is playing drunks down the ages. When my agent rings me about a role, I don’t ask what the part is, but what century it’s in.

There’s this idea that it has to be made in London. But we’ve got everything up here, and if you’ve got comics who are gifted because of where they’re from, you shouldn’t drag them away from that natural resource.

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

We had a week off in the middle of shooting, but as soon as everyone stopped, we all went down with six different types of flu and other unmentionable diseases.

When I wasn’t as attractive as I am now, I suffered at the hands of cruel children and their taunts until I realised that confidence and a bit of aesthetic care can overcome that.

You can’t be a proper comic unless you’ve been out on stage and felt the fear.

For the greater good, I thought I should be a spiritual leader for people for some reason.

I always feel like an interloper when I do serious drama. It’s my own paranoia.

I also want to return to doing stand-up. I’ve become frightened of live audiences. This is a really telling sign that I need to go back on the comedy circuit again.

With stand-up you’ve just got that one chance. Audiences can be quite fickle.

There’s lots of stuff about me being a fan of Cliff but not being gay. Which suggests that he is, but he’s not. Anyway, this is Channel 4, let their lawyers sort it out.

This autocue was obviously written for someone else and I’ve been brought in at the last minute.

I use very few muscles at the best of times.

My work’s never been accepted by my family, but it’s something I’ll always carry on with.

I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I’m grumpy and terrible with them. As for doing a gig at a 6-year old’s birthday party, you couldn’t pay me enough.

Had I become a priest, the sermons would’ve been electric!

We all have days where we can’t pronounce things or give it the emotion it deserves.

I actually enjoy being heckled; it keeps it interesting, and I think it is a nice feeling for people once they have left the show.

If an original piece of wardrobe came up from Star Wars, I’d probably spend a lot of money on it.

I’ve got little ankles and a bit of a belly, so it makes me look rather an egg on legs.

Baldness is visually enough of a stigma as it is without a big sweaty bloke on stage pointing it out.

Up North you are holding your own. Everyone considers themselves a comedian.

I’m getting positive feedback for my acting so we’ll see if any other interesting parts come up.