If you watch the news and don’t like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, ‘When I’m president… and I just wanted to stop him and say, ‘Dude.’

I can be in 20 movies. But I’ll never be an actor.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

If you watch the news and don’t like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they’re going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a ‘Peanuts’ character.

Here’s the point – you’re looking at affirmative action, and you’re looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who’s gonna wanna work?

The seven marvels that best represent man’s achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote… so look for Howard Stern’s Private Parts to come in No. 1.

I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

I’m not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on “Friends” is.

McVeigh’s lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

I’m too short to host a late-night talk show. It’s like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy’s heart stops, and you’re the one who has to fix it!

I’ve always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn’t even know they had.

Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There’s just one problem – it’s in North Korea.

If the evens of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it’s that the terrorists can attack us, but they can’t take away what makes us American – our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.