No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

Lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.

Some folks can look so busy doing nothing that they seem indispensable.

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

It’s the good loser who finally loses out.

It isn’t enough for you to love money – it’s also necessary that money should love you.

Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he’s overcharging you.

No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more that she can be witty by only the help of speech.

We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.

The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.

Nobody works as hard for his money as the man who marries it.

It’s pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.

No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

Nobody kicks on being interrupted if it’s by applause.

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

An optimist is a fellow who believes what’s going to be will be postponed.

There is no failure except in no longer trying. There is no defeat except from within, no really insurmountable barrier save our own inherent weakness of purpose.

The hardest thing is to take less when you can get more.

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.

It ain’t a bad plan to keep still occasionally even when you know what you’re talking about.

There is nothing so aggravating as a fresh boy who is too old to ignore and too young to kick.

After a fellow gets famous it doesn’t take long for someone to bob up that used to sit by him in school.

A bee is never as busy as it seems; it’s just that it can’t buzz any slower.

If there’s anything a public servant hates to do it’s something for the public.

I’ll say this for adversity: people seem to be able to stand it, and that’s more than I can say for prosperity.

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.

The fellow that owns his own home is always just coming out of a hardware store.

Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

Nobody ever grew despondent looking for trouble.

When a fellow says, “It ain’t the money but the principle of the thing,” it’s the money.

If capital and labor ever do get together it’s good night for the rest of us.

Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs.

It’s what a fellow thinks he knows that hurts him.

Men are not punished for their for sins, but by them.

The worst feature of a new baby is its mother’s singing.

Every once in a while someone without a single bad habit gets caught.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

It’s going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth once they inherit it.

It used to be that a fellow went on the police force when everything else failed, but today he goes in the advertising game.

The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.

The world gels better every day – then worse again in the evening.

Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.

Don’t knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation if it didn’t change once in a while.

A loafer always has the correct time.

Kindness goes a long ways lots of times when it ought to stay at home.

I don’t look for much to come out of government ownership as long as we have Democrats and Republicans.

As to those who hoard gold and silver and spend it not in God’s path, give them, then, the tidings of a painful agony: on a day when these things shall be heated in hell-fire, and their foreheads, and their sides, and their backs shall be branded therewith.

If some people didn’t tell you, you’d never know they’d been away on a vacation.

Peace has its victories no less than war, but it doesn’t have as many monuments to unveil.

Where ignorance is bliss it’s foolish to borrow your neighbor’s newspaper.

Of all the home remedies, a good wife is best.

Live so that you can at least get the benefit of the doubt.

Honesty pays, but it doesn’t seem to pay enough to suit some people.

Being an optimist after you’ve got everything you want doesn’t count.

All the world loves a good loser.

There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?

Getting talked about is one of the penalties for being pretty, while being above suspicion is about the only compensation for being homely.

Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.

It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

If you haven’t seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven’t seen her smile her prettiest.

Some fellows get credit for being conservative when they are only stupid.

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.

Listening is the only way to entertain some folks.

Bargain… anything a customer thinks a store is losing money on.

A grouch escapes so many little annoyances that it almost pays to be one.