We’ve had to be creative to get on the ballot.

I admit to drinking it, but I did not swallow.

I admit I was drinking a Guinness… but I did not swallow.

The teachers are getting screwed, blued, and tattooed by the system.

And I think musicians can better run this state than politicians. And, hell, beauticians can better run the state than politicians.

I’ll tell you right now. I’m for prayer in school.

The Democrats and Republicans are the same guy admiring themself in the mirror.

Well, I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job, we never had a home, we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people.

These days, there are many people around the world who listen to the songs that made me infamous and read the books that made me respectable.

We’ve had to be creative to get on the ballot.

You struggle with your demons and you conquer them.

We’re first on executions. We’re 49th in funding public education. We’re in a race with Mississippi for the bottom, and we’re winning.

You have to pretend that your life is a financial pleasure even when your autographs are bouncing.

If you ain’t Texan, I ain’t got time for you.

I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property taxes.

I’ll keep us out of war with Oklahoma!

I’ve always said money may buy you a fine dog, but only love can make it wag its tail.

Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won’t get a lot done in the mornings, but we’ll work late and be honest.

I’m too young for Medicare and too old for women to care.

Yes, I’m a Judeo-Christian. Jesus and Moses are in my heart, and… both of them were independents, by the way.

I’ll sign anything except bad legislation.

I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn’t hold ’em under long enough.

We were a country band with a social conscience.

We’ve got to clear some of the room out of the prisons so we can put the bad guys in there, like the pedophiles and the politicians.

May the God of your choice bless and keep you. I respect Him as long as He does not circumcise me anymore.

I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.

William Bennett is my patron saint, one of them. Redd Foxx is another.

No, nothing has changed in my life at all, and nothing would change if I had millions.

The only currency I value is the coin of the spirit. That’s very important in my life.

The folks in Mississippi are saying, ‘Thank God for Texas.’

How can you look at the Texas legislature and still believe in intelligent design?

A happy childhood… is the worst possible preparation for life.

Remember: Y’all is singular. All y’all is plural. All y’all’s is plural possessive.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.

I have a better head of hair than Rick Perry; it’s just not in a place I can show you.

I don’t remember the first half of my life. All I say is a happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for life.

Young people are the key to this election.

Politics is the only field in which the more experience you have, the worse you get.

Students don’t know who Mark Twain was because he wasn’t on the test.

The first thing I’ll do if elected is demand a recount.

I see an issue I like, and I support it.

If Willie Nelson had been Rosa Parks, there never would have been a civil rights movement in this country, because he refuses to leave the back of the bus.

When I’m governor… I’ll be the first governor with a listed telephone number.