There are never enough I Love You’s.

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

Communism is like one big phone company.

I hate small towns because once you’ve seen the cannon in the park there’s nothing else to do.

Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.

The “what should be” never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no “what should be,” there is only what is.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

When you’re eight years old nothing is your business.

I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I’m going to be if I grow up.

There are never enough I Love You’s.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can’t fake it… try to fake three laughs in an hour – ha ha ha ha ha – they’ll take you away, man. You can’t.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

I’ll die young, but it’s like kissing God.

A lot of people say to me, ‘Why did you kill Christ?’ I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

The liberals can understand everything but people who don’t understand them.