Don’t say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.

A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.

Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.

I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.

A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

It is easier to stay out than get out.

I make it a rule never to smoke while I’m sleeping.

There is no distinctly American criminal class – except Congress.

George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.

Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one – keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.

Don’t tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don’t tell them where they know the fish.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial “we.”

I can live for two months on a good compliment.

There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.

You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Man – a creature made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Everything has its limit – iron ore cannot be educated into gold.

It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.

‘Classic.’ A book which people praise and don’t read.

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places.

To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.

Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.

Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.

Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.

Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.

Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.

Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.

Don’t say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.

We Americans… bear the ark of liberties of the world.

The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

It ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.

Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.

Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.

Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.

Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.

Drag your thoughts away from your troubles… by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.

The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.

When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

It is just like man’s vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.

No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.

If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it’s your job to eat two frogs, it’s best to eat the biggest one first.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

I don’t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.

He is now rising from affluence to poverty.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

The more you explain it, the more I don’t understand it.

Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

It is not best that we should all think alike; it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races.

When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.

If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat.

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.

A man’s character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.

Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

We have the best government that money can buy.

Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered – either by themselves or by others.

It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

Laws control the lesser man… Right conduct controls the greater one.

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

Buy land, they’re not making it anymore.

We are all alike, on the inside.

The educated Southerner has no use for an ‘R’, except at the beginning of a word.

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.

My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.

When in doubt tell the truth.

Substitute “damn” every time you’re inclined to write “very”; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn’t.

All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

There are lies, damned lies and statistics.

Prosperity is the best protector of principle.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native criminal class except Congress.

The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.

What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.

Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah… didn’t miss the boat.

The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.

What a wee little part of a person’s life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain’t so.

A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read.

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.

The Christian’s Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.

The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.

Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.

Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

I’ve never let my school interfere with my education.

Why shouldn’t truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Be careless in your dress if you will, but keep a tidy soul.

Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.

Better a broken promise than none at all.

Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.

When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

I never let schooling interfere with my education.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

All right, then, I’ll go to hell.

Man is the only animal that blushes – or needs to.

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

The Public is merely a multiplied “me.”

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.

Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.

The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.

Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.