When I say I do, the justice of the peace replies, ‘I know, I know…’

I was a thirteen-year-old boy for thirty years.

A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I’m about $100,000 short.

Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.

I’m the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.

I buy women shoes and they use them to walk away from me.

You always pass failure on your way to success.

When I say I do, the justice of the peace replies, ‘I know, I know…’