I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

Spaghetti… I can’t eat spaghetti, there’s too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I’ll have 1000 pieces of noodles.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.

When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.

I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’

Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’

I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.

It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.

I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.