Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven’t what they want that they really don’t want it.

Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.

I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.

Too clever is dumb.

The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.

Do you think my mind is maturing late, or simply rotted early?

One man’s remorse is another man’s reminiscence.

Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.

Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is.

I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I’ll never see a tree at all.

Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them.

Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind.

Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.

I have an idea that the phrase ‘weaker sex’ was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm.

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.

The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin.

Commitments the voters don’t know about can’t hurt you.

Certainly there are things in life that money can’t buy, but it’s very funny – Did you ever try buying then without money?

The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk.

The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.

To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; Whenever you’re right, shut up.

I claim there ain’t Another Saint As great as Valentine.

Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.

Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for.

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.

I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance.

If you don’t want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won’t have to work.

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.

Door: What a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals?

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

Women would rather be right than reasonable.

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.

There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful, and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends.