I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel.

I have given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.

I can remember Doris Day before she was a virgin.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.

I don’t drink. I don’t like it. It makes me feel good.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side.

I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

Once Dwight Eisenhower makes up his mind, he’s full of indecision.

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

I’ve given up reading books. I find it takes my mind off myself.

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.

So little time and so little to do.

I have no trouble with y enemies. But my god damn friends… they are the ones that keep me walking the floors at night.

Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character.

Strip away the phony tinsel of Hollywood and you’ll find the real tinsel underneath.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.

Once I make up my mind, I’m full of indecision.

I think a lot of Bernstein – but not as much as he does.

Happiness isn’t something you experience; it’s something you remember.

I’m a study of a man in chaos in search of frenzy.

I am no more humble than my talents require.