In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.

It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love. I’d stepped in it a few times.

My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

Whenever I date a guy, I think, ‘Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?’

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called “New Car Interior.”

My mother buried three husbands – and two of them were only napping.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won’t get a bikini wax.

It wasn’t that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with someone on purpose.

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

The word ‘aerobics’ came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we’re going to charge $10 an hour, we can’t call it Jumping up and down.

Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother’s tasted better the day before.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.