In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee – or laugh.

I got a Valentine’s Day card from my girl. It said, ‘Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!’ Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Don’t think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.

Washington is a place where politicians don’t know which way is up and taxes don’t know which way is down.

Love is so confusing – you tell a girl she looks great and what’s the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.

Spring is God’s way of saying, ‘One more time!’

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that ‘individuality’ is the key to success.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee – or laugh.

There are days when it takes all you’ve got just to keep up with the losers.

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.

Time flies. It’s up to you to be the navigator.

Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it’s filled with wisdom. Sometimes it’s filled with feet.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they’d bust it to Corporal!

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that’s not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

If you can laugh together, you can work together.

Do your kids a favor – don’t have any.

Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

There’s so much pollution in the air now that if it weren’t for our lungs there’d be no place to put it all.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.