I like my wine like my women – ready to pass out.

If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.

What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong.

I like my wine like my women – ready to pass out.

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, ‘Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.’ She’s got a baseball bat and yelling, ‘You want a piece of me?’

You’ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was… a large Arctic region covered with ice.

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, ‘Can I use a lifeline?’

When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.

Spring is nature’s way of saying, “Let’s party!”

We’ve had cloning in the South for years. It’s called cousins.

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He’s like ‘We have to get rid of dictators,’ but he’s pretty much one himself.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.

You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.

Ah, yes, divorce… from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

Comedy is acting out optimism.

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn’t work!

If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Reality: What a concept!

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Carpe per diem – seize the check.