I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can’t.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.