You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

I’ve got a great cigar collection – it’s actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn’t going to smoke every last one of ’em.

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty… mine’s putting in an express lane.

Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.

I’ve never been one to look up the ladder. I’ve always looked down the ladder. As long as there’s one guy down there, I’m fine.

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

I didn’t get where I am today by worryin’ about how I’d feel tomorrow.

I’d rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.

You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

People are saying that I’m an alcoholic, and that’s not true, because I only drink when I work, and I’m a workaholic.

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I’d done for twelve years because I couldn’t throw ’em out.

But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It’s like anything else. It’s a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

I do live like a rock star, but it’s not as great as it sounds. It’s a lot of traveling.

I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that’s all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.

I had the right to remain silent… but I didn’t have the ability.

The hardest that I’ve laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed ’til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.

The next time you have a thought… let it go.

There have been times in my life that I’ve had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.

My goal is just to become a better comedian.

Diamonds – that’ll shut her up… for a minute!