The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you’re feeling festive?

I figure if my kids are alive at the end of the day, I’ve done my job.

It’s okay to be fat. So you’re fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

My husband and I didn’t sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

There’s a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there’s a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.

I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That’s what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we’ll take up, and the more we’ll have to be reckoned with.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I’ve done my job.

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people… that’s why I don’t like any of them.

A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there’s my personal favorite, the male ego.