It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, ‘Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm.’

One of the virtues of being very young is that you don’t let the facts get in the way of your imagination.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

When I was a boy I used to do what my father wanted. Now I have to do what my boy wants. My problem is: When am I going to do what I want?

Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.

You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.

Any kid who has two parents who are interested in him and has a houseful of books isn’t poor.

The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent.

Happiness is a by-product. You cannot pursue it by itself.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

Don’t watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going.

I admit that: my wife is outspoken, but by whom?

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Just try to be happy. Unhappiness starts with wanting to be happier.

If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.

It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, ‘Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm.’

I’m going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow!

Any beast can cry over the misfortunes of its own child. It takes a mensch to weep for others’ children.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.

It’s a good thing that when God created the rainbow he didn’t consult a decorator or he would still be picking colors.

We should not permit prayer to be taken out of the schools; that’s the only way most of us got through.