I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.

Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.

Normal people… believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.

I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.

The longer you work here, diverse it gets.

There’s nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.

One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn’t have to ride around with jerks.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

The best things in life are silly.

Let’s form proactive synergy restructuring teams.

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.

The only risk of failure is promotion.

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it’s done.

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.

Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

You don’t have to be a “person of influence” to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they’ve taught me.

If a job’s worth doing, it’s too hard.

I get mail; therefore I am.

We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings.

Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.