We ask for way too much stuff – way too much stuff. You got a job making $100 a year and bought a house for $3 million. Talking about, ‘I don’t know what happened with the payment.’

I was in the Air Force and was a boom operator (in-flight refueling). I got my comedy start in the Air Force.

Here’s the thing about Apple, we complain and they give us more battery life. We complain and they’ll give us more stuff. Everything’s beta right now. Everything’s experimental. They really don’t know what people want.

We ask for way too much stuff – way too much stuff. You got a job making $100 a year and bought a house for $3 million. Talking about, ‘I don’t know what happened with the payment.’

We all want something else other than what we have and don’t realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It’s not an adventure.

If you got a name like Barack Obama, you’re supposed to fight.

Don’t let people treat you like you’re stupid. If it sounds too good to be true, it is.

But I said wait a minute, I’m going to get a computer, I can do this as well as anybody else. So I did some studying so I knew what kind of boards to get to put a PC together. But there was a guy sitting there with Apple. I said, ‘what’s that?’ and he goes, ‘Apple with 128k, it’s all built into the box,’ and I bought it. That was my first computer.

I’m under stress. They killed me on wikipedia. They killed me. And I didn’t stay dead long enough to sell no DVDs. I didn’t even stay dead long enough – I was too stupid. I should’ve stayed low. I should’ve laid low. I could’ve been gone for a year; I’d have made money. And then I’d have risen from the dead.