Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at ’em, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Sleep – the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I never met a kid I liked.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

If there’s a will, prosperity can’t be far behind.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.

I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.

Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today – sell liquor or drink it.

Show me a great actor and I’ll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you’ve seen the devil.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

On the whole, I’d rather be in Philidelphia.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

I like children – fried.

I drink therefore I am.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.

Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.