I hate the outdoors. To me the outdoors is where the car is.

I’m glad Reagan is president. Of course, I’m a professional comedian.

There is humor in the specter of the worst disaster in our nation’s history. All I have to do is sweep away the debris of shock to find it.

It’s okay to laugh in the bedroom so long as you don’t point.

How did sex come to be thought of as dirty in the first place? God must have been a Republican.

Well, we won the war. You know what that means. In twenty years, we’ll all be driving Iraqi cars.

Comedy is defiance. It’s a snort of contempt in the face of fear and anxiety. And it’s the laughter that allows hope to creep back on the inhale.

I hate the outdoors. To me the outdoors is where the car is.

Men are superior to women, for one thing they can urinate from a speeding car.