I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.

Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I don’t have to ‘freedom-kiss’ my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.

I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said ‘No.’

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Marriage is the death of hope.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.

If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?

It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

I am two with nature.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.