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Home
Authors
Dave Barry
American
Journalist
About the author
'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Winter
#Sports
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Trust
#Fish
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Age
#Religion
#Gender
The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Television
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Time
#Doubt
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Death
#Leading
#Cause
#Fashion
The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Society
#Future
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#History
#Invention
#Development
#Communication
#Internet
#Waiting
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Example
#Water
#Beer
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Want
#People
#Religious
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Time
#Choice
#Religious
#Holiday
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Time
#People
#Management
#Democrats
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#People
#Popular
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Fun
#Trees
Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Fans
#Games
#Chicago
#Football
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Now
#Scientists
The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#People
#Writing
#Risk
#Religion
#Religious
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Company
#Electricity
The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Security
#Eye
#Information
#Age
#Sex
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Television
#Violence
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Eating
#Coffee
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Dance
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Old
#Advice
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#May
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Death
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Duty
We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Country
#Jury
To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Life
#Computer
We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Nothing
#World
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#states
#Popularity
There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Fashion
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#World
#Logic
#Science
#Example
#Laws
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Word
#Computer
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Camping
The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Now
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Men
#Truth
#African
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Variety
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Right
#Nothing
#Car
#Dogs
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#People
#Will
#Saying
#Religion
#Hobbies
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Trying
Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Thinking
#Men
#Women
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Accidents
#Gravity
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Golf
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Chance
#Reading
#Fact
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Purpose
#Computer
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Job
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Being
#Sheep
#Ireland
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Nature
#Business
#Camping
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Want
#Today
#Man
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Business
#Taxes
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Car
#Racing
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Example
And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#October
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Will
#American
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Golf
#Today
#Open
Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Public
#Art
#Money
#Experts
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Night
#Circumstances
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#End
#Chess
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Fish
#Fishing
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Life
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Children
#Parents
#College
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Will
#Fact
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Will
#Body
#Fact
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Will
#Opportunity
#Rain
#Travel
In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Right
#Man
#Fact
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Building
#Universe
#Fire
#Water
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Nothing
#Open
#Baby
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Force
#Class
#Physics
#Causes
If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Word
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Will
#Reason
#Word
#Race
#Potential
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#God
#Cute
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Fact
#News
#Faces
I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Want
#Problems
#Car
#Hate
I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#Care
In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#American
#Act
#School
#Parliament
I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
Dave Barry,
American
Journalist
#War