The Good Quote
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Home
Authors
David Letterman
American
Comedian
About the author
The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Jokes
#Intelligence
#Giving
The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Thought
#Weather
#Water
#Spring
The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Right
#Now
#Today
#Debate
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#President
#Needs
#Hell
#Wind
President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Thinking
#War
#President
#American
#Hell
#Approval
#Wage
The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#People
#Wrong
People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#People
#Strangers
#Sharing
We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Iraq
#News
President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#President
There is no off position on the genius switch.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Genius
There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Business
No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Saying
#Old
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#People
#Today
#Population
It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Now
#Thanksgiving
We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Now
#Future
#Secrets
#Apology
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Fun
#Years
#President
Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#People
#Land
#Water
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Talk
#Dance
#Act
A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Time
#Right
#Thinking
#Iraq
#France
#Example
#Paris
Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Daughter
#Baby
#Order
#Wives
Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Day
#Man
#Health
#Running
Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Time
#Forget
#Bed
#Spring
Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Now
#Weapons
#May
#Iraq
#News
#Experts
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Change
#Favorite
#Trees
#Birds
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Now
#People
#World
#Cities
Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#First
#Body
#Fact
Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Importance
I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Idea
I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Jokes
#Ladies
#Gentlemen
Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Iraq
#Name
#Republican
It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Will
#Race
Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#God
#Night
#states
#United
#Bombs
Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Now
#Mind
#Gay
#Yesterday
#Paris
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Civilization
For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Love
#God
#Home
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
David Letterman,
American
Comedian
#Trying
#Unconscious