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Home
Authors
Fred Allen
American
Comedian
About the author
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Day
#Law
#College
Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Life
#Men
It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Love
#World
#Goals
#Achievement
#Dependence
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Television
#Imitation
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Hollywood
#Heart
#Sincerity
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Race
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#People
My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Boston
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Want
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Family
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Will
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Trouble
#Names
#Faces
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#People
#Hollywood
#Stars
#Mistake
I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Play
The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#First
#Paris
The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Vice
#Advertising
Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Act
#Employees
Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Washington
#Actor
#Actors
#Competition
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Time
#First
#History
#Living
#Comedy
#Age
#Jokes
#Machine
What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Will
#Mind
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Time
#Walking
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Failure
#First
#Church
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Time
#People
#First
#Religion
#Church
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Children
#Self
#Father
The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#World
#Men
#Space
#Advertising
Television is the triumph of machine over people.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#People
#Television
#Machine
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Television
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#People
#Television
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#God
#Stars
#Church
Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Men
#Mediocrity
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Style
#Will
#Creation
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Committee
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Life
#Success
#Actor
#Popularity
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Life
#Celebrity
#Being
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#People
#Nothing
#Committee
A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#People
#Nothing
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Woman
#Gentleman
All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Humor
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Man
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Advertising
#Confusion
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Will
#Hollywood
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Tax
#Income
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
California is a great place to live if you're an orange.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Nothing
#Committee
#Men
During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Talk
#Today
#Men
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Will
#Talent
A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
Fred Allen,
American
Comedian
#Will
#Press